The Emotional Bank Account

THE EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT

When my daughter was very young, she came to realize that the ATM machine spits money out. So, when she would ask for money and if I told her that I didn’t have any, she would say, “Well, just go to the ATM.” She couldn’t grasp the concept that you had put something in the bank in order for the ATM to give you money. She didn’t understand that you could push those buttons all day and all night, if you hadn’t made a deposit, you would not receive any money.

In his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” Stephen Covey used a metaphor of a bank account to describe the strength in relationships. The concept is that if I make deposits into an emotional bank account with you in our relationship, I will build up a reserve so that when I make withdrawals by making a mistake, I will not bankrupt the relationship. When our relationship is strong, my communication may not be clear, but you get my meaning anyway. I may fail you in some way, but you can forgive me because you know I meant you no harm. This applies to all relationships, husband/wife, parent/child; employer/employee; and friend/friend.

So you ask, “What are the deposits and how can I make them.” I am going to share six major deposits that you can start making to any relationship right away.

1. Understanding the Individual. This is the biggest. Really seeking to understand the individual is the key to every other deposit. You don’t know what constitutes a deposit until you understand the person. What might be a deposit for you, might not be perceived by someone else as a deposit t all. What is important to the other person must be important to you. For example, you may think that getting a pair of front row basketball tickets is the best gift someone could give you. That would be a deposit to you. So you think your wife would really enjoy those tickets, too. You decide you should give her those tickets for her upcoming birthday. The trouble is that your wife hates basketball. Guess what! You just made a withdrawal instead of a deposit. She thinks, “He should know by now that I hate basketball. Why would he give me something I hate? He is only thinking about himself.” How do we know what is a deposit to the other person? We need to learn to listen.

2. Attending to the Little Things. Little kindnesses and courtesies are important. Small discourtesies and unkindnesses are a form of disrespect. These are large withdrawals. Some employers think that because they are in a superior position, they can talk to employees in any tone they desire. They can disregard time restraints, overlook birthdays, forget to say thank you and still expect loyalty. Unfortunately, these small withdrawals translate into low morale, low productivity, absenteeism and eventually job abandonment.

3. Keeping Commitments. A proverb says, “It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not keep it.” If you say you are going to do something, people should be able to depend upon your word. Breaking a major commitment is a major withdrawal. Be known as a person who keeps his word. Words reveal the personality and character – power and authority of the speaker. Words carry weight. Choose your words carefully and make promises very sparingly so that you can keep the commitments you promise.

4. Clarifying Expectations. Make expectations clear and explicit in the beginning. If people don’t know what you want, they can’t do what you expect. The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals. Unclear expectations lead to misunderstanding, disappointments and withdrawals. One thing I find with some churches and volunteer organizations is that leaders expect volunteers to do many things but have no job descriptions, guidelines or parameters of their expectations. So people accept certain positions, not knowing what they are getting into and when they find out they are angry, or overwhelmed. It is the same thing with husbands and wives. Two people may get married without having ever discussed what each one expects the other to do. If this is express early in the relationship, the chance of misunderstandings is much less.

5. Showing Personal Integrity. Integrity is conforming reality to our words. Being the same inside as outside. Being true to yourself. Someone said that the definition of integrity is being who you are when nobody is looking.

6. Apologizing Sincerely When you Make a Withdrawal. There will be times when we make withdrawals in our relationships no matter how hard we try not to. There are times when we can’t keep our commitment. There are times when we forget the little things. There are times when we hurt each other. Great deposits come with the words, “I’m sorry.” There is an Eastern proverb that says, “If you are going to bow, bow low.” I’ve heard some good excuses for an apology, like, “I’m sorry that you feel like that.” Or I’m sorry you found out about it.” Or “I’m sorry you misunderstood me.” How about, “I was wrong.” Make sure the apology is sincere. I have found that you cannot go wrong in being profuse in your apology. Take the blame. Accept responsibility.

Here’s the thing! Even if you have only $2 in your bank account, you can retain all the privileges that the bank affords if you make enough deposits. Likewise, if your relationship is suffering, you can start making deposits to build up a reserve and restore that relationship to full privileges. I want to challenge you to try making deposits in the bank accounts of your family and friends.